Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11
One day in November, at the military academy.
Hachikyu: Ummm... For Murata, sweet potatoes and tea leaves... deep-steamed stem tea? For Arisaka, yakisoba bread, a yam danish, and his fish’s food, huh?
Hachikyu: ...c’mon, this is a military academy in England, isn’t it!? There ain’t gonna be such a specific kind of tea leaves! No yakisoba bread, and no yam danish, either!!!
Hachikyu: Ah— ...damn it. I’ll just buy some sweet bread and sweet potatoes for now... As for the tea... I’ll have to look for it when I go into town later.
Cashier Guy: For six sweet potatoes, four bread buns, and the goldfish food, that’ll be 3000UC.
Hachikyu: No way...
Hachikyu: (Hahh... Why did I even come to England? I’m Murata’s errand boy, I take care of those goldfish they just had to get, and Arisaka keeps coming into my room outta nowhere... I can’t even relax and play my games.)
Hachikyu: (I’m too scared to defy them, and scared of the consequences if I ignore this shit too... I get paid, though, so I guess it’s fine...)
*scene changes to outside*
Hachikyu: Haahhh, being a living gun is seriously the worst... I wasn’t summoned just to run errands, y’know!?
Hachikyu: Seriously, those two... especially Murata! Sure, he’s my senior, and our combat experience isn’t even comparable, but still... he’s getting kinda cocky, isn’t he?
Hachikyu: ...no, I mean, I’m a former World Empire gun, and I’m damn lucky that I’m not getting tortured...
As Hachikyu was heading back to the dorms while muttering to himself, the smell of sweet bread began to attract some bees.
Hachikyu: Whoah! Hey, knock it off! H-Hey, don’t— get away from me...!
*scene changes to a park*
Chased by the bees, Hachikyu runs around the school grounds, trying to escape—
Hachikyu: Heeh... hahhh... they’re finally gone...
Hachikyu: ...whoooooaaah!
His foot gets caught, and he hits the ground.
Hachikyu: ...ah...! ...owww... damn it...
Hachikyu: This sucks... Today’s luck is seriously the worst... My willpower’s fucking crushed...
As Hachikyu looks around, he sees a pair of cadets, seemingly a happy couple, underneath a tree’s shade.
Male Student: I love you so much, honey.♥
Female Student: I love you too, darling.♥ *smooch*♥
Hachikyu: ......
Hachikyu: Hahhh... ...what the hell am I doing.
Hachikyu: Am I gonna be an errand boy for the rest of my life...? No, no way do I want that kind of life.
Hachikyu: Ah— ...I wish I had five thousand trillion yen. ...or honestly, just thirty million. Even ten million would be enough. With that much, I could live on my own. Yeah.
Hachikyu: I wonder if a few million yen could just fall into my lap... Even better, if it’s tax-free.
*scene changes to a dorm hallway*
Jitte: Hahh...
*flashback begins*
After hearing a rumor that a bonsai market would be held at a shrine in the Asian district on the outskirts of London, Jitte decided to use his day off to attend.
Jitte: Oh... the bonsai market is a much bigger event than I’d expected. There are so many fine bonsai trees here— how wonderful!
Jitte: ...hmm!? This is...!
A certain bonsai tree caught Jitte’s eye, and he ran up to look at it.
Jitte: The wood has a depth to it that gives the impression of years long past, but the bark is still supple... The foliage seems fresh and firm as well, yet still elegantly arranged... it’s truly in a class of its own...!
Exhibitor: Oh... you can tell this one’s quality, can’t you?
Jitte: I most certainly do...! No, just looking at this bonsai, there’s no way anyone couldn’t!
Jitte: Combining majesty, strength, and maturity, this is truly a wonderful bonsai tree...
Jitte: I have no words for how well the arrangement of the pruned branches shows the overflowing vitality of the trunk! And beyond all of that... just looking at this pine conveys the nostalgic view of my homeland!
Exhibitor: Ho, ho, ho. I’m delighted that you’ve taken such an interest in this tree.
Jitte: I feel the same! I’m truly fortunate to have seen such a captivating bonsai! And on that note, since you’re showing it at this market...
Exhibitor: Ah, yes. I’m getting on in years, you see, so I’ve been thinking I should try to find a respectable buyer who would inherit and protect this tree.
Jitte: Th-Then, by all means, I would...!
Exhibitor: Hold on, there. It’s for sale, but I won’t sell it to just anyone. This tree is over three-hundred years old, and has been maintained since the Edo period. It’s a masterpiece that’s been passed down in my family without fail, even when my grandfather came here to England.
Exhibitor: The buyer has to be someone who has both the finances and the backbone to protect this one at all times... Yes, it must be someone who’s willing to generously pay the ten million yen fee.
Jitte: Ten...
Jitte: Ten million♪ Ten million♪ Ten—
Jitte: GHAAH!
*flashback ends*
Jitte: Hmm... No matter how I think about it... There’s no way I can scrape together ten million yen.
Hachikyu & Jitte: Hahh...
Jitte: Oh, Hachikyu-kun. What’s behind that mighty sigh?
Hachikyu: Nah, I should be asking you that.
Jitte: Hahh... I have a wish that doesn’t seem to be coming true, you see. When I think about how impossible it is, the sighs just come out...
Hachikyu: Ahh. ...actually, I know what you mean. I want to spend my days off lazing around and totally immersed in my games, but it doesn’t seem to work out that way too often.
Jitte: You always do seem awfully busy, Hachikyu-kun. The end of the year is creeping up on us, and things are going to get awfully hectic. That’ll be hard on you, I imagine.
Hachikyu: Yeah, it sure will...
Hachikyu & Jitte: Hahh....
Hachikyu & Jitte: Money would be nice. Wonder if I’ll end up with any...
Hachikyu & Jitte: ...huh??
Jitte: You need money too, Hachikyu-kun?
Hachikyu: Ah— ...something like that, I guess. Is there something you want to buy?
Jitte: Truth is, there’s a bonsai tree that was love at first sight for me... I was told that I’d have to put out ten million yen for it, though.
Jitte: What about you, Hachikyu-kun? Something you want?
Hachikyu: In my case, rather than something specific... I guess, I just want to prepare something for my future self. The opposite of “poverty dulls the wit”, kinda. Make sense?
Jitte: I see. Indeed, it’s easier to do what you please when you have the means. I would have been able to accept that bonsai on the spot...
Hachikyu: Ah... when you’ve got money, there’s no need to worry about rare equipment that you have to shell out for. You can hire someone else to grind the boring parts while you’re in class, too. More than anything, money won’t betray you.
Jitte: Still, our daily lives are completely problem-free, with all of the necessities of survival guaranteed. Getting a ton of money on top of that just isn’t going to happen.
Hachikyu: You can earn some extra cash with Practical Experience jobs, but that still ain’t much. Being a Musketeer, and stuck at a military academy at that, there are too many rules and regulations to do anything freely.
Hachikyu: I want money, but I don’t even wanna work, anyway. Even if I can give it my all for a little while, I’m bound to get burnt out soon enough. And manual labor is especially out.
Hachikyu: I want it to be like a lottery. Don’t have to put in much effort, and when I least expect it, the money comes pouring out. I’d look at my bank account and be like, “Whoah, there’s tons of cash!”— or something like that, y’know?
Jitte: That really is the dream. I wonder, should I try to buy a lottery ticket...
Hachikyu: Nah, don’t. The odds of that working are mega-low. You can buy a ton of ‘em and spend a ton of money, and still get zilch.
Jitte: Hm... that’s true. In that case, it would be even more depressing to have a bunch of no-good tickets, and nothing else.
Hachikyu: ...ah. Wait, what about this...
Hachikyu: ...and that’s why we’re gonna write a light novel.
Master:
• ???
• What kind of...?
Clad in kimonos, Jitte and Hachiku have refreshed looks on their faces. They glance at each other and nod, then Hachikyu pulls out a thick bundle of paper from his pocket.
Jitte: This is the solution we’ve decided on... in other words, the first step toward funding our dreams!
What he’d taken out was a stack of papers, a manuscript. The first page bears a long string of words that appears to be a title—
“Beautiful girls are having a gunfight at school over us ordinary guys”, is what it says.
Master:
• That’s... quite the interesting title...?
• Why did you start writing a novel?
(CHOICE 1) Hachikyu: Ah, seriously? So the hook’s solid, then! I knew it, originality is vital.
(CHOICE 2) Jitte: It was Hachikyu-kun’s suggestion! Are you surprised? I certainly was.
Hachikyu: See, we Musketeers don’t really get a shot at jobs that make you lots of cash. Jitte and I both want money, but we don’t wanna just go out in town and find odd jobs. Besides getting permission for an outing, working is just plain a pain in the ass.
Jitte: Besides, we never know when we’ll be called on for a mission. Even if we did get a job, constantly having to duck out would be a nuisance.
Hachikyu: There’s also problems like Murata, Arisaka, and those guys who are obsessed with Musketeers. To avoid all sorts of trouble, the best job is one that can rake in a ton of cash without revealing who we really are.
Hachikyu: And most importantly, it can be done in our spare time. On weekdays, the only time I can put towards work is from when classes end to when it’s time for bed.
Jitte: While the two of us were racking our brains, Hachikyu-kun came up with a great idea...! Becoming authors, that is!
Jitte: Using a pen name means that your identity won’t be known to the public. We can work quietly in our own rooms, with space to concentrate and work at our own pace!
Jitte: And, and! If everything goes well, we could earn a huge amount from the royalties, you see! Thinking “this will be great!”, we got awfully excited.
Hachikyu: With that hype, I brainstormed some ideas, put together a plot... and got a whole story written. I’m wiped out, but it feels so satisfying to be done, like hundred-percent clearing a game...
Hachikyu & Jitte: Ahahahaha...! Heh, heheheh...!
Jitte: By the way, we prepared these outfits to help get the writing mood up and give us motivation. When you think of authors, you think of the Meiji era. I tried to go for the air of a literary master... how does it look?
Master:
• I see...
• Looks pretty cool.
(CHOICE 1) Hachikyu: Well, I wasn’t really... it’s not like I wanted to wear this, y’know? But if the look fits, I guess it’s fine.
(CHOICE 2) Jitte: Oh, really? I’m happy to hear you say that, (Player Name).
Hachikyu: Anyway... I’ve got something written, but I have no idea how well our novel will do once it’s published.
Hachikyu: That’s why we’re here to get your opinion.
Master:
• ...I think the public can be a harsh critic.
• Will this really be able to make a lot of money...?
Hachikyu: Well... yeah, you have a point. Things don’t always go as well as you hope...
Jitte: Still, Hachikyu-kun, I think it’s too soon for us to give up yet. (Player Name)-kun is merely saying that it won’t be easy, not that success is impossible... right?
Hachikyu: ...... It’s better than storming a publisher right off the bat... I guess.
Hachikyu: ...back to the point. (Player Name), please read the novel we wrote and give us some feedback...!
Master:
• ...!?
Jitte: Indeed, (Player Name)-kun needs to be our first reader. Please, tell us what parts need improvement and what parts you like!
Jitte: Both Hachikyu-kun and I have Japanese standards. What’s considered interesting must vary between cultures, and there will probably be expressions that won’t translate well, or that should be avoided altogether.
Hachikyu: You get what we mean, right? Give it to us straight. That’d seriously help us out.
Hachikyu: ...uh, it’s kinda embarrassing, though...
Master:
• Got it.
• I’ll give it a read.
Hachikyu: Whoah, seriously...!?
Jitte: Uwaah... thank you, (Player Name)-kun...! We’re in your debt!
After Jitte and Hachikyu left, (Player Name) immediately started on the manuscript.
*scene changes to night, then day again*
—the next day.
Master:
• It was really interesting!
• Will there be a sequel!?
Hachikyu: ...you’re kidding!? Jitte, did’ya hear that!?
Jitte: I didn't think you'd enjoy it so much... What a pleasant surprise!
Hachikyu: So, more specifically, what parts did you like? Gimme some more details to work with.
What starts as a lighthearted school harem suddenly becomes a gunfight, with tension and mystery drawing you into the plot...
(Player Name) explained that not only did the plot twists keep you on the edge of your seat, but the interactions and relationships between the characters were filled with both laughter and tears, making it an undeniably excellent piece of entertainment.
Hachikyu: That’s great...! I spent ages struggling with how to make those parts grab the reader’s attention. The opening is mega important, right?
Jitte: My time at the military academy was helpful for writing a “school life” story. And when it comes to gunfights, we’ve got that covered too! I tried to write it in a way that was both realistic and exciting.
Hachikyu: And I tried to include some recently popular themes that would resonate with light-novel fans...
Jitte: As for me, I tried adding some old-fashioned elements— like karma, rewarding good, and punishing evil— that give readers a sense of satisfaction, along with themes of duty and human bonds!
Master:
• The characters were also great.
Master:
• They’re both distinctive and realistic, I’m impressed!
Jitte: ......
Hachikyu: ......
The two, who had been so excited, suddenly exchanged a silent glance.
Hachikyu: Does it mean we’re all clear if (Player Name) didn’t notice?
Jitte: I’d like to think so... That’s probably a good point, Hachikyu-kun...
Master:
• ......?
• What do you mean?
Hachikyu: ...(Player Name), please, PLEASE keep what I’m about to tell you off the record. Lives are on the line...! Mainly, mine!
A few weeks earlier—
Excited about finding a dream-come-true idea for how to make money, Jitte and Hachikyu decided to write a novel. First, they discussed what genre their book should be.
Hachikyu: Since this is our first attempt, I don’t think we should be too ambitious. Let’s go with something mainstream, and aim for a bestseller.
Jitte: Mhmm. That’s a good idea.
Jitte: However... things seem awfully different now than they were in the Edo period. Hachikyu-kun, do you know what kind of stories are popular these days?
Hachikyu: I guess... rom-coms are all the rage, right?
Jitte: Rom-com...?
Hachikyu: Ah— ...uh, well, it’s an abbreviation, see? The old-fashioned way of saying it would be like, a romantic comedy...
Hachikyu: If the target audience is male, then the protagonist is usually male too. For the content, there’s... there’s, um, a c-cute heroine, and then it’s basically a lighthearted, messy love story.
Jitte: I see, so it’s a bit like the Ninjoubon1 stories from the Edo period, then. During the Tenpo era, “Shunshoku Umegoyomi”2 was quite popular. Tanjirou was known as quite the lady-killer!
Hachikyu: I don’t really know anything about that, but... in today’s rom-coms, rather than a lady-killer, the protagonist is more likely to be an ordinary guy that the average male reader can relate to.
Jitte: Huh... so a normal man is better than an exceptionally attractive one. I see. I guess I have a lot to learn here.
Jitte: Now then, first... shall we make the character profiles for the protagonist and the woman he falls in love with? If it’s just those two, I think we can get it done tonight!
Hachikyu: ...about that. Instead of just one heroine, how about we make a bunch of ‘em?
Jitte: Wait, are you going to make the protagonist unfaithful? I suppose, even in Ninjoubon, the protagonist can have two or three women in his life who may become either his wife or his mistresses...
Hachikyu: No, it’s not like that! Seriously, are those Ninjoubon really that messy... Edo romances must be freaky...
Hachikyu: Ummm, what I’m trying to say is that having a variety of heroines will make it easier to appeal to a variety of readers. Besides, if we’re gonna include gunfights, it’ll look better with more people, right?
Hachikyu: In the end, only one of them needs to be dating the protagonist... or even get close to that point.
Jitte: Haha, I see. Indeed, there’s a multitude of preferences when it comes to what kind of person someone likes, and a romance where you have to wait and see what happens sounds interesting!
Hachikyu: ‘kay! It’s gotta be a story about a bunch of heroines fighting over an ordinary lead. In reality, I’m always being bossed around by guys, so I at least have to make this novel a utopia...!
*background fades to black*
Hachikyu: (The collaborative light novel plan was off to a smooth start. However, I hadn’t yet realized that our plan had a serious flaw...)
—a few days later.
Jitte: ......
Hachikyu: ......
Jitte & Hachikyu: This isn’t working...!
Hachikyu: It’s useless... The protagonist is fine, but the heroines are way too underwhelming...
Hachikyu: I’ve included all the popular tropes, but somehow... it just feels like a collection of lines that have all been done before. Everything feels way too trope-y; it’s not cute at all, and not original either.
Jitte: Trope...? Is that anything like tempura?
Hachikyu: A trope is like a template... in short, it’s a sort of formula. Something you see everywhere, with no originality or sense of realism.
Hachikyu: See, this line, for example. “I-It’s not like I’m fighting for you or anything!” It’s such a typical tsundere line. Like, whatever. It’s a total turn-off.
Jitte: Tsundere...? Hmm, I don’t think I quite get what you mean, but... while the protagonist’s lines come out just fine, the female characters’ lines just feel unnatural.
Hachikyu: Yeah... Ah, damn it. At this rate, we’re gonna get flamed for making just another stupid rehash!
Jitte: Times like these are when a manual comes in handy!
Jitte: Ummm, let’s see...? Characters... the cast of a given work. When stuck on their development, you should reference the people close to you, it says.
Hachikyu: ......
Jitte: ...... Hachikyu-kun, I’ve realized something...
Hachikyu: Yeah... You don’t even have to say it. I probably just thought the same thing.
Jitte: We... really don’t know many women.
Hachikyu: I told you you didn’t have to say it! It only hurts worse when you put it into words!
Jitte: B-But, even so... I don’t think we should turn a blind eye to reality.
Jitte: For the main characters, I think we were able to give them a sense of normalcy despite their unique traits by inserting facets of ourselves. Perhaps that’s why the shallowness of the female characters stands out even more?
Hachikyu: Ugh... But y’know, I don’t know much about real-life girls, so how can anything be done about it?
Hachikyu: The military academy is co-ed, but we’re in the special Musketeer class, so everywhere you look, it’s guys, guys, and more guys.
Hachikyu: We don’t have any girls around that we can use as inspiration for our characters, so we’re ending up with a rehash of a heroine we’ve seen somewhere before. This sucks... having a weak heroine in a rom-com is lethal.
Jitte: Hmm... what can we do...?
*Murata comes into the room*
Murata: Hachikyu, are you there?
Hachikyu: Shit, Murata! Wh-What are you barging in for!? Can’t you at least knock!?
Murata: Hm...? So you’re still alive. I haven’t seen you in so long, I’d assumed you’d stayed holed up in your room for too long and died.
Hachikyu: No, as you can see, I’m totally fine...
Murata: Then what have you been doing for these last few days?
Hachikyu: I... I can’t talk about that!
Murata: What’s that...? Arisaka has been terribly lonely without you, you know. To make Arisaka sad and not even explain why... what a scoundrel you are.
Hachikyu: Eek...! That’s a nasty face...!
Murata: Oh...? And now you’re complaining about my face? Some nerve you have.
Hachikyu: N-No! I’m not complaining about it!
Trying to escape from Murata, Hachikyu backed away. However, he was slowly cornered— and his back hit the wall, leaving him with nowhere to run.
Notes:
1 Ninjoubon stories were an Edo-period genre. Also known as “sentimental books”, they focused on young love and were generally aimed at attracting female readers.
2Shunshoku Umegoyomi, also known as Spring Colors: The Plum Calendar, was a Ninjoubon story published in 1832. Tanjirou is one of the male leads from it.
Backed against a wall by Murata, Hachikyu’s shoulders slumped with despair.
Hachikyu: I’m so very sorry for making Arisaka-senpai feel lonely!
Murata: Very well, as long as you understand what you did. Now then, hurry up and prepare tea for Arisaka and me. Arisaka has requested tea the way you make it.
Hachikyu: ‘kay! Sorry, Jitte, I’ll be right back.
Jitte: O-Okay...
Jitte: (Hachikyu-kun...! I’m sorry I couldn’t stop Murata-kun...!)
*timeskip*
—after a while, Hachikyu quietly returns.
Hachikyu: ......
Jitte: H-Hachikyu-kun...? Are you alright?
Hachikyu: ...I’m fine.
Jitte: No, no, you really don’t look alright. I’ll make some tea for you this time, so you just take a little rest—
Hachikyu: That’s not it, Jitte. I’m seriously fine. I’ve realized something... the truth of the world...!
Jitte: ...Hachikyu-kun?
Hachikyu: That’s right... the world is cruel to me because I think it’s cruel!! Creativity... is meant to change the world!
Hachikyu: Hahaha! I totally get it now!!
Hachikyu: It’s all a change in perspective! Jitte... we hardly know any girls! Barely any at all!!
Jitte: Y-Yeah.
Hachikyu: But still... that doesn’t mean there aren’t people I can use as references for female characters...
Jitte: Hm...? Hmmmm...???
Ignoring Jitte’s head tilt of confusion, Hachikyu, with bloodshot eyes, began to furiously scribble something onto the manuscript paper.
Hachikyu: “It’s your duty to prepare tea for me every day.” ...is what Murata said to me earlier, with that awful look on his face.
Jitte: I-I suppose he must really like the tea you prepare...?
Hachikyu: I think it’s just that making it himself would be a pain, but forget about that part for now. Let’s change it into... “the words of a girl who likes the protagonist”.
Jitte: Huh?
Hachikyu: If you change it a bit to get the right vibe... it’s like this.
“It’s your duty to prepare tea for me every day.” “Isn’t it your duty to prepare my tea every day?”1
Hachikyu: It sounds like a cute girl’s speech now, instead of Murata’s. What do you think? Can’t you picture a haughty, tsundere heroine sulking because she can’t drink the tea the protagonist made for her?
Jitte: N-Now that you put it into words... I suppose I can see it...??
Hachikyu: Right? It’s annoying when I think of it as Murata. While keeping some elements of Murata, we should just remove any recognition that it’s him, and make it “a girl who likes the protagonist” instead!
Hachikyu: I tried changing her speech to make it easier to understand, but a more old-fashioned type should be perfectly fine too. Something like, “Is it not your duty to prepare my tea each day?”2
Hachikyu: This discovery helped me endure that shit earlier!!!
Jitte: Huh... so that’s what you’re thinking, Hachikyu-kun.
Hachikyu: Stop looking at me like that, you’ll make me remember what sanity is. Don’t you get it? This is a vital discovery.
Hachikyu: There are hardly any girls around that we can use as references for our characters. But there are guys who we can use as references for the girls! And they’ve all got the talent for it...!
Jitte: So that means...
Hachikyu: ...yeah. If there are no girls around us, then we can just turn the people around us into girls...!
*scene cuts back to the present*
Hachikyu: ...and that’s how the novel happened.
Master:
• ......!
• Now that you mention it...
(Player Name) flipped through the manuscript, scanning over any scenes that caught their eye.
Susukino Mulan: “You dare to defy me... perhaps a punishment is in order.”
Tsubaki Yuki: “Tsubaki is going to draw a picture on the omurice. Is that not okay...?”
Based on the names’ spellings3 and the contents of the conversations, you can trace back to what the Musketeer that was used as a model said...
Murata: You’re defying me... perhaps you need to be punished?
Arisaka: Arisaka is going to draw a picture on the omurice. That’s not a problem, is it?
Master:
• (Now I can see it...!)
• (These characters too...!?)
Delinquent/Honor Student Senpai: “Haah? You got a problem? I’m the most brilliant genius around!”
Puppy-like Gyaru Kouhai: “I said, leave it to me! I’ll put ‘em down in one shot!”
Naturally Quirky Senpai: “You... are protected by the moon.”
Sweets-Loving Blonde Beauty: “Sweets taste so much better when you share them with someone special.♪ It’s so much better than eating them alone...”
Unfortunate, Fragile Beauty: “Uu... *cough*... I’m so sorry for making you worry...”
Master:
• Is this supposed to be...
• All of the heroines are...
Hachikyu: ...yeah. They’re modelled after us Musketeers.
As (Player Name) stood frozen with shock at this surprising revelation, Hachikyu suddenly threw himself to the ground at their feet.
Hachikyu: Please, please, pleeeeeease keep what you just heard a secret! It’s just as I said!!!
Hachikyu: I was able to write some awesome heroines this way, and I have no regrets about that, but if it gets out that I did this... that I used them as models for female characters, I’d be killed! I’d be turned into scrap! I’ll never be able to fend for myself!
Hachikyu: Especially if Murata and Arisaka found out. If Murata and Arisaka found out...! And beyond that, what would everyone else think...!
Jitte: (Player Name)-kun, I’m begging you too. It was a difficult decision we made to be able to portray lifelike characters when we hardly know any women to reference...!
Master:
• ...alright, fine.
• ...I promise I won’t tell anyone.
(Player Name), who knows the Musketeers well, can tell who each character is modeled after, but each character has been adapted to fit the story.
Since they weren’t left as is, but only adapted as a source of inspiration, (Player Name) acknowledged the two’s frantic pleas and agreed to help them finish the manuscript.
Notes:
1 The personal pronoun and conjugation are changed to sound more feminine.
2 Again, he’s playing with the speech conjugation, this time to get the vibe of an old-fashioned noblewoman.
3 The kanji used in the names make it REALLY obvious which character is which gunboy.
—a few days later.
Hachikyu: F-Finished...!
Jitte: We’re finally done...!
Master:
• Great job, you guys
• The morning sun hurts my eyes.
Hachikyu & Jitte: *deep sigh*~~~...!!
Hachikyu: I’m seriously beat. My eyes, my shoulders, my hands... I’m at my limit. If it wasn’t for Red Python, I never would have made it...
Jitte: That fizzy, delicious tonic... It sure is effective...! Strangely enough, it made me wide awake and made it easier to concentrate...
Hachikyu: Well, that shit’s meant for when you’re really in trouble, and need to borrow mental fortitude, stamina, and everything else from future you... I wouldn’t advise making a habit of it.
Jitte: ...I suppose there’s a price for everything. At any rate, I’m glad we finally finished the manuscript. Now we can take it to a publisher after class today!
Hachikyu: Yeah. The real fight starts now...!
Jitte: Ah, that reminds me. How about we stop by a shrine on Saturday? We can pray to get published— or rather, pray for a great success.
Hachikyu: Oh, that sounds good. I’ve done everything I can, now all that’s left is to hope the gods have favor.
Master:
• A shrine?
• The gods?
Jitte: Yes, dropping by a shrine to pray that “Plain Ol’ Us” is a success!
Master:
• Sounds good.
• Let’s go!
Jitte: Alright! Well then, let’s go get permission for an outing.
*scene changes to a shrine*
—that weekend.
While getting directions for what to do, (Player Name) lines up in front of the shrine to offer their prayers.
Hachikyu: (May I live my dream life of royalties! May I escape being an errand boy! I’m aiming to be a multimillionaire! Blissfully bathing in stacks of cash!)
Jitte: (May our novel fly off the shelves...! Also, may I live my dream of having that 300-year-old bonsai tree...!)
Jitte: Alright, and with that, our shrine visit is complete. Since we already went to the trouble of coming here, I’m going to grab an amulet too.
Hachikyu: Me too. Murata and Arisaka spotted me before we left, so I’m gonna have to pick out something for them...
Jitte: Okay! Hachikyu-kun, (Player Name)-kun, look over here. They even have Hamaya, isn’t that neat?
Master:
• Hamaya?
• An arrow-shaped charm for good fortune?
Jitte: A Hamaya, a demon-breaking arrow, is a talisman imbued with the wish to “strike an opportunity”. As the name suggests, it’s also a charm to ward off evil, so they’re sometimes enshrined at the time of building a new dwelling.
Jitte: In Japan, they’re given out at shrines on New Year’s. It’s not quite the start of the new year yet, but I suppose there are people coming from a long way away. It looks like this shrine has already started handing them out.
Jitte: Looking back, a lot sure has happened this year... First of all, (Player Name), you summoned me! I know it was probably just a coincidence... but I’d like to believe that some stroke of destiny was involved.
Jitte: After that, we went to Japan and met Kiseru-kun and Hachikyu-kun... I was able to face my past, and face up to Absolute Nobility as well.
Jitte: I wasn’t exactly the refined and gallant Musketeer I aimed to be, but I’ve overcome a lot, and grown as a person... Truly, I believe this has been a fruitful year.
Jitte: Thank you so much for everything this year. (Player Name), I’m so very grateful that I met you.
Jitte: ...well, since the year’s not even over yet, it might be a bit too soon to be reflecting like this. Hahaha.
Jitte: I’d like to spend the next year repaying in full all the kindness that you and everyone else have shown me. With that goal in mind, I really hope the novel sells well...
Hachikyu: ‘kay, I grabbed the charms for Murata and Arisaka. Guess we could get something to eat before heading home.
Jitte: Ah, that sounds good. Let’s enjoy some fine Japanese cuisine, and then head back to the school!
Hachikyu: Yeah. Let’s celebrate finishing the manuscript with some delicious ramen!
Several weeks had passed since submitting the manuscript to the publisher, and the year’s end was drawing even closer—
Student 1: Hey, have you read “Plain Ol’ Us”? That gunfight scene was out of this world!
Student 2: Yeah, I’ve read it! Using black powder was a wicked smart move, it was so cool...! I can’t believe they thought of tactics like that.
*scene cuts to the city streets*
Guy 1: Who’s your fav character in “Plain Ol’ Us”? Charline is popular, but I can’t help but like Susukino Mulan too~
Guy 2: Her elegant tsundere vibe is weirdly addictive, but I’m totally in Silva’s camp! Her mysteriousness really does it for me! And her sniping is so cool!
Girl 1: “Plain Ol’ Us” is all the rage, huh~ My boyfriend recommended it, so I wasn’t expecting much when I read it, but the two main characters were actually really cool and compelling!
Girl 2: Yeah, I know what you mean! Jirou thinks he’s just a boring guy, and while he is pretty average-looking, he’s a good man who truly cares about his friends. Morality and compassion!1
Girl 1: Yeah, yeah! And Kagerou’s pure side is refreshingly cute, huh?
*scene cuts to inside a shop*
Hachikyu: Wow... This isn’t a dream, is it...?
Jitte: Indeed...! It seems like a dream, but it’s real, Hachikyu-kun!
Master:
• It’s a huge hit, huh?
•Even my class is talking about it!
Just three days after submitting the manuscript to the publisher, a call had come in saying, “We most definitely want to publish this!”
Because three people had already reviewed, edited, and proofread it, and the editor in charge had pushed for it, claiming, “This will sell!”, “Plain Ol’ Us” was published in an unusually short span of time—
It’s become a hot topic among young people in particular and is already a huge hit.
Hachikyu: I never would have thought that posters would end up in even a stylish cafe like this...
Jitte: In the bookstores around town, “Plain Ol’ Us” was a main display in the stacks... when I saw that, I nearly cried.
Hachikyu: With sales like this, I wonder what the royalties will look like...
Jitte: My 300-year-old bonsai...!
Hachikyu: Errand boy no more, my independent life...!
Hachikyu: It’s great to be raking in the cash, but it’s also great to know that a book I worked my ass off writing is being appreciated...
Jitte: Indeed... My motives weren’t pure, but I’m glad I tried writing a novel. I’m also moved to know how many people are opening their minds to the concept of morality and compassion!
Jitte: Alright, let’s raise a toast to our great success. Thank you for your help, (Player Name)-kun!
All Together: Cheers!
*scene cuts to outside*
As the three were leaving the cafe after their secret celebration, and about to head back to the military academy... they noticed a group of children in their early teens, staring intently at Jitte and Hachikyu.
Child 1: Hey, look at those two...! It looks just like them, huh!?
Child 2: They do! It’s Jirou and Kagerou from “Plain Ol’ Us”!
Hachikyu & Jitte: ......!
Jitte: “P... Plain Ol’ Us”!? Isn’t that book a bit too old for you!?
Hachikyu: Nah, apparently, kids as young as 10 start reading light novels. I heard the editors mention that.
Child 1: We’re not kids! I’m 12 years old, you know. And I read “Plain Ol’ Us” because it was one of the books that got sent to the orphanage.
Child 2: Jirou and Kagerou are really smart! And Brutalia’s gun is so cool! She’s so strong!
Child 1: Hey, hey, do the pose from the cover! Kagerou’s pose!!
Children: We wanna see! We wanna see!
Hachikyu: *sigh* ...this is turning into a pain.
Jitte: The characters in the book are just characters, you know. We’re not really them...
Jitte: That said, I’d hate to let our young readers down. Isn’t that right, Hachikyu-kun?
Hachikyu: I see... so this is what they call fan service. I never thought anybody would want that from me...
Orphanage Lady: Ahh!! So this is where you got off to? I thought it was taking a while for you to come back... you should know better than to make a detour like this!
Child 1: Sorry... But we found these people who look like Jirou and Kagerou from “Plain Ol’ Us”!
Child 2: They’re gonna pose like on the cover—!
Orphanage Lady: “Plain Ol’ Us”...? Ah, that book you’ve all been reading... I’m so sorry for the trouble. It seems these children were bothering you...
Jitte: No, no, we don’t mind at all.
Child 1: See, Jirou doesn’t care!
Orphanage Lady: Hey, now! Haven’t I always been telling you not to make trouble for others?
Children: Yeah...
Orphanage Lady: It’s time to go home! Now, right up ahead—!
Children: Okaaaay.
Led away by the lady from the orphanage, the children reluctantly head home.
Hachikyu: Ah— ...*cough* ...hey, keep it a secret that you saw us, aright? We don’t want that nasty Mulan with the round eyebrows to know we’re here.
Jitte: Listen up, everyone. Always keep morality and compassion in your hearts, alright?
Child 1: Whoah...! Morality and compassion—!
Child 2: Don’t lose to Mulan and Yuki! Hang in there, Jirou and Kagerou!!
Children: Bye-bye!
Jitte: Careful on your way home, now!
Hachikyu: ...I guess being popular isn’t so bad.
Notes:
1“Morality and compassion” is a 4-character phrase that more fully translates to “duty and humanity, (a sense of) moral obligation and humane feelings”. It’s old-fashioned and sort of a catchphrase for Jitte.
—as the year’s end grew closer, the military academy went on break.
Murata: Hey, Hachikyu. Is my tea ready yet? What are you dawdling for?
Hachikyu: ...ahh~ Sorry, sorry. You asked me to do that? I didn’t hear you say it, if you did.
Murata: ...you have some nerve ignoring me. You’re prepared for the consequences, I hope?
Hachikyu: Hmph... yeah, I’m prepared. And you’d better be prepared too, Murata.
Murata: ......? And what is that supposed to mean?
Hachikyu: You only have a little longer to boss me around however you please. Then you can find someone else to use as your errand boy.
Hachikyu: Besides, now that the world is kinder to me, all of your threats, tyranny, and everything else will only become material for my stories, for me to make my livelihood on...!
Murata: ......? What is wrong with this one, Arisaka?
Arisaka: Arisaka doesn’t know. But lately, Hachikyu has been smirking when he looks at Arisaka and Murata. Arisaka finds it slightly creepy.
Hachikyu: Calling it creepy’s pretty mean... eh, who cares. I’m in a great mood right now.
Hachikyu: So, you wanted tea? ‘kay, I’ll go make some. Be sure to savor it while you still can.
Murata: Grrrr...
*scene changes to the hallway*
Jitte: Ahhh, here we go~ Here we go~♪ For my bonsai tree~ I’d do anything~♪
Charleville: ...hey, Jitte-san, what are you doing? There’s a strange smell in the air... what’s that green, square board?
Jitte: Ah, Charline... *cough*! *cough*! No, Charleville-kun. This is a tatami mat.
Jitte: It’s a type of traditional Japanese flooring made from woven rush.
Jitte: These are removable tatami mats, so it’s easy to put a few down and make a little Japanese-style area in your dorm room. Enjoying the scent of fresh tatami while admiring bonsai... it’s the best!
Jitte: I want to renovate the area near the window, and put up shouji screens. I’ll get some wonderfully painted sliding screens... and get a tokonoma alcove put in too! I’m going to completely remodel my room with Japanese-style decor...!
Charleville: Ehhhh...!? Is that okay? Jitte-san, renovating your entire dorm room on a whim... that’s going to cost a lot of money.
Jitte: No need to worry, Charleville-kun. I’m going to become a truly reliable man soon, you see. Indeed... the kind of man who can easily shell out ten million or so yen.
Charleville: Ten million yen...!?
Jitte: Please feel free to drop by once the Japanese-style room is finished. I’ll have tea and sweets ready to welcome you. I’ll be on my way for now!
Charleville: Ten million yen in UC would be, umm... Regardless, that’s a staggering amount. And he’s not like Roger... Jitte-san, what are you doing?
*scene changes to a dorm room*
In their dorm room, (Player Name) was thinking about the reports they’d received from other Musketeers that Jitte and Hachikyu were acting strange.
Master:
• (Is it really wise to spend so much before they get paid?)
•(I hope nothing goes wrong...)
Hachikyu: Hey, (Player Name). Got a sec?
*scene changes back to the common area, where a bunch of the Musketeers are gathered*
The common room was filled with so many Musketeers that it resembled a grand banquet.
Arisaka: Arisaka liked the rice cake pouches. The meat here is also irresistibly delicious.
Murata: Hohoho. Lately, Hachikyu seems to be strangely financially prosperous.
Murata: This meat is top-quality Japanese Black wagyuu. It’s rare to have it in this part of the world, so eat up while you can, Arisaka.
Arisaka: Yeah. The radishes are also large and delicious. Murata should eat plenty, too. ...seconds, please.
Dreyse: Char siu... such a fascinating method of preparing meat. It’s well-seasoned and has a strong flavor that holds up nicely in soup.
Pennsylvania: Hmm... for real, this is delicious. The curly noodles have a great chewiness to them, too.
Pennsylvania: It might be interesting to try smoking meat after simmering it to let the flavors soak in... I should try it out before the next party.
Charleville: Springy, have you had oden before? It’s like a Japanese-style pot-au-feu!
Springfield: Yes...! It was tender and delicious.
Kentucky: The ramen’s pretty great, too. I liked the seasoned soup! Springy, try this stuff too!
Siegblut: Heh... this sake stuff isn’t half-bad. This sharp, bitter one is especially nice.
Herme: Sieg, even if you like it, be careful not to drink too much. You never know when we might be assigned to a mission.
Siegblut: Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry, I won’t get wasted off this much.
Master:
•This is...
•Quite the treat we have here, huh.
Hachikyu: We’re gonna be rich soon, so this much of an expense is nothing.
Charleville: Ah, you two. The oden and ramen are delicious. Did you import everything from Japan?
Charleville: The ingredients are high-quality too, so this must have cost a lot, huh? Is it really okay...?
Jitte: No need for concern, Charleville-kun. We’re—
Hachikyu: Ah, hey! Watch what you say, okay?
Charleville: ......?
Hachikyu: Ah, that reminds me. (Player Name), are you free on New Year’s Eve?
Jitte: Our editor suggested that we should hold an event for “Plain Ol’ Us” to wrap up the year.
Hachikyu: So they’re renting a Western-style mansion for an autograph signing. We really are popular authors now...!
Master:
•An autograph signing!?
•Wow!
Jitte: Haha, are you surprised? And of course, we’d like for you to come as well, (Player Name)-kun.
Hachikyu: The publisher is covering the costs, and I think they’ll be providing outfits too. You can go with a literary style like ours, or something else, if you want.
Hachikyu: I think something that changes up your usual style would be good. Something like a hat or sunglasses, at least.
Jitte: We’ll go with what we were wearing while working on the novel. Since we’ll be wearing glasses, it’ll also serve as a disguise.
Hachikyu: The whole venue will be packed with fans of us and “Plain Ol’ Us”... Ah— I’m nervous, but... kinda looking forward to it.
Hachikyu: I’ll announce plans for a sequel while we’re at the event, and drive up popularity even more! Reprint after reprint is coming! And then, my rich, royalty-fueled life will be on the way...!
Jitte: Ahh, soon my room will become a bonsai paradise...!
New Year’s Eve— the day of the autograph signing.
Hachikyu: It’s finally happening... uwah, I’m getting nervous.
Jitte: I wonder what kind of people have gathered here as our readers. Or rather, I wonder if anyone’s gathered here at all...
Master:
• I’m sure it’s a full house.
•“Plain Ol’ Us” is so popular, it should be fine.
Jitte: It’s reassuring to hear you say that, (Player Name). Alright, I’ll practice my autograph now, while I have the chance.
Hachikyu: Good idea.
Editor: Sirs! Hazuki-sensei! Constable-sensei!1
Hachikyu: Whoa! What’s wrong? Did something happen?
Editor: Well... we’ve encountered a minor issue at the venue... It might be a wise idea to postpone the autograph signing event for another day...!
Jitte: Huh!?
Master:
•What’s the problem?
•What’s going on?
Editor: You see... the venue is experiencing an unusual level of activity.
Jitte: If there are so many people excitedly awaiting the autograph signing, wouldn’t it be all the better to go through with it?
Editor: No... this type of excitement is more like, well, wild revelry might be the way to put it?
Editor: Since it’s the last day of the year, some people have been drinking, and the autograph signing event has turned into more of a wild party.
Hachikyu: Hahh...!? So you’re telling me that our autograph signing venue has turned into some kind of clubbing hangout!?
Editor: C-Clubbing... No, everyone who has gathered at the venue are doubtlessly fans of “Plain Ol’ Us”.
Editor: However, with the New Year’s mood approaching, the joy of meeting their much-admired authors, and alcohol all mixed together, who knows what might happen when you two make your appearance...
Jitte: Hmm...? I sort of get it, and sort of don’t.
Jitte: Even if the direction of the excitement is a little different, is it really necessary to cancel the autograph signing altogether?
Hachikyu: And if it’s really not gonna work out now, couldn’t we just move the start time to the evening?
Hachikyu: Once evening rolls around, everyone will be shifting gears to welcome the new year, and the wired ones should calm down a bit.
Editor: No, no, no! It’s bound to get even more dangerous as the new year approaches! ...huh!? Could this perhaps be a matter of cultural differences...?
Editor: I don’t know what New Year’s Eve is like in Japan, but in England, many wild people celebrate by going out with friends, drinking, and making a grand festivity of it.
Jitte: Hmmm, I see. So, relaxing and eating soba under a kotatsu while listening to temple bells... it’s nothing like that, then?
Editor: Exactly!
Hachikyu: Well then, let’s get out there and get it over with.
Jitte: Yes, we shall strike while the iron is hot! Even if there are a few drunkards amidst the crowd, that doesn’t change the fact that they gathered here because they love the book we wrote!
Jitte: They went to the trouble of coming here during this hectic time of year. It would be heartless to send them away empty-handed.
Editor: Constable-sensei...! Is this the true “morality and compassion”...!
Hachikyu: So that means... let’s go, Jitte.
Jitte: Understood!
Editor: Ah! Sirs! Please, wait—!!
Master:
•Stop!
•Wait!
Despite (Player Name) and the editor’s attempts to stop them, Jitte and Hachikyu charged into the autograph signing venue, which had become more like a wild banquet hall inside.
Hachikyu: Whoah...
Jitte: This is...
As the two entered the venue, people were dancing and shouting the names of special moves. Faced with this crowd of unusually wild drunks, they froze.
The fans seemed to be eagerly awaiting the autograph signing, but the atmosphere inside the venue was truly a wild New Year’s party.
Hachikyu: Shit... are we supposed to go straight into the middle of this and start doing autographs? It’s like Halloween in the heart of Tokyo in here...
Jitte: L-Let’s wait and see how things are once they’ve sobered up—
Drunk Fan 1: Whoa~!! Look, look, it’s Jirou and Kagerou!!!
Drunk Fan 2: No way, those two...? Doushin Ichijiku and Hazuki Kagerou!?
Drunk Fan 3: Wooooo!!! Fuck yeah! “Plain Ol’ Us” is based on the authors’ real-life experiences!!!
Drunk Fans: Plain Ol’ Us! Plain Ol’ Us! Plain Ol’ Us!
Jitte: Ah, um... wh-what should we do...!?
Hachikyu: L-Let’s call the editor...
Fan 1: I get that you’re happy to see the authors, but you’re making too much of a scene...
Fan 2: It appears that a bunch of people had a meet-up before the event. “A Gathering of Plain Ol’ Us” fans, they were calling it. I bet they got drunk, got worked up, and came here like that.
Fan 1: And now they can’t behave and hear the authors... but they’d probably just have a fit if we tried to kick them out.
Editor: S-Sirs! I’m very sorry, but it’s too dangerous to stay here! Please evacuate the area, for now!
Jitte: U-Understood!
Hachikyu: Sorry, we’ll do the autograph signing properly later!
Drunk Fan 1: No waaay—! Wait up, Kagerou!!!
Drunk Fan 2: Jirou!! Hey, hey, hey! Show me your finishing move!!
Master:
•This is bad...!
Editor: Everyone, please calm down! Stop and listen! Wh-Whoa!!
As Jitte and Hachikyu try to flee the venue, some of the half-riotous fans begin to chase them.
Hachikyu: Hey, Jitte! Let’s split up!
Jitte: Yes! We’ll meet up again outside!
Drunk Fans: Plain Ol’ Us! Kagerou! I love you! Gimme an autograph~!
Hachikyu: Shit, that’s freaky! And I don’t wanna be hearing “I love you” from a guy!
Hachikyu: Ah, shit, running around in this outfit sucks! Here we go!
Drunk Fans: Hey! Kagerou is this way!
Fan 1: Ahh, Hazuki-sensei~ Shake my hand, please~!
Hachikyu: Whoa! They’re coming from all sides...! What the hell is going on here!?
Hachikyu: E-Eek...! Save meeeee!!
Notes:
1Hazuki means “the eighth month of the lunar calendar. It’s a play on the “eight/hachi” in “Hachikyu”. Constable, meanwhile, is a reference to the Edo-period police officers who used jitte as weapons.